Something Must Be Done…

Like most guys (and plenty of gals, I’m sure,) I like action movies. I like watching spies blow stuff up, dudes fight it out on top of train cars, the whole deal.

However, I think there needs to be some sort of collective decision – some vote – some standard regarding the life span of action movies. It seems they get “out of date” really fast. Who’s with me?

We need some clarity on this. Think about it: wouldn’t some sort of standard help you the next time you’re in the video store or you’re renting online? Wouldn’t it make a difference if you had some sort of chart to consult regarding movies?

We need smart people for the project. We need charts for action movies 3-5 years old, 6-10, 10+, etc. You know…basic, core principles to guide us.

Here are a few categories that I think are universal agers. The degree to which they age a movie (and make it lame) certainly depends on how many of the variables are in excess.

  1. FASHION. Man, nothing ages an action movie like bad hair or a stupid suit. You see this stronger w/ the villains. Sure, Mr. Bad Guy looked good 11 years ago with that “Ceasar” haircut, the silk shirt w/ 3 buttons opened and the gold medallion. Now? Not so much.
  2. ENEMIES. It’s been a hard ten years for action movies. Some of the most vile and hated enemies from twenty years ago are now our allies. Just go pick up a flick where the rebellious American spy in the leather jacket is waging war against the Commies. Old.
  3. MUSIC. Oh gosh. You can’t miss this one. Bad music can kill a good action movie. Luckily, the fun-wheel-of-popular-music keeps coming back around, so now some glossy late 80’s pop-metal still works in our ears. Not so for the slow stuff…slow jams from old action movies sound dirty. Yeah, I said it. Dirty.
  4. TECHNOLOGY. I don’t have a problem w/ phones looking old. There are 2,000 new phones introduced every year. It’s the computers that get me. Those big clacky keyboards and “green” screens kill any suspension of disbelief you might have. Saw something the other day where a girl was using two giant SLEEP and WAKE UP buttons. Do they even make those buttons anymore?

Now, it’s your turn. I’ve two questions for ya’ with this post.

  • What other things age action movies?

AND…

  • What’s the last lame action movie you saw?
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