SHOPPING LESSONS

I never intend to be a last minute shopper, but every year it turns out that way. I realize that there are people who enjoy that crazed, clock-winding-down, fight-the-crowd shopping experience, but I am not that guy.

But as it was in the past, so it shall be this year. I got out Wednesday to do some shopping for Kristen & Jonah and returned home exhausted. (Tyler, Texas, is the only place I’ve ever seen where a three hour shopping trip only involves 1 hour of actual shopping. The other two hours are reserved for trying to avoid vehicular manslaughter on Broadway.)

When I got home, I had more than presents. I had LESSONS.

LESSON #1 – DO NOT GO TO THE COMIC BOOK STORE ON WEDNESDAY
Why, you ask? Because Wednesday is when new comics come out. That’s why I had to fight my way past 40-something men oogling the Manga section and buying D&D books. A little creepy. Just a little creepy.

LESSON #2 – THERE IS NO UNIVERSAL ‘URINAL PROCEDURE’ FOR MEN
You only notice this when you’re in a busy restroom, but every guy has his own approach. I realized this earlier today when I say a man unzipping the second he walked into the bathroom. There should be some sort of unzip-only-when-standing-immediately-in-front-of-urinal.

LESSON #3 – THE EASIEST JOB IN THE MALL
I found it – the easiest, lowest denominator job in the mall. You know those kiosks that sell the fake cigarettes that use water vapor? You realize that they’ve got a guy or girl who’s job is to smoke. Oh, sure, they can work the register, but I’ve never seen one person purchasing anything. That dude’s job is smoking.

I can imagine the interview:

“Any warrants?”
“No.”
“Can you smoke?”
“Yes.”
“Welcome aboard.”

Thank you, Broadway Square Mall…you are quite the teacher.

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