RULES FOR TRAMPOLINE WRESTLING

My nine-year old is a trampoline maniac. He loves it. He’s good at it, too, creating flips and jumps and all sorts of silliness. In fact, it’s one of the few things he does without stopping for long periods of time. (Well…other than video games.)

Like any kid, he wants Dad on the trampoline, too. We’ve got a few games we’ve created, but his favorite is definitely wrestling. And so, now I present to you, Todd Wright’s Guide For Trampoline Wrestling.

  1. Narration is key. Trampoline wrestling is an event. Both opponents must have names and must be introduced by the announcer (i.e., the other wrestler.) Throughout the battle, the match must be narrated. While this is more of a challenge for overweight fathers who are trying to jump, fight, strategize and breathe all at the same time, it’s still a must, especially as the battle builds to final, game winning pin move.
  2. Match must exceed 20 minutes. (No maximum time limit.) There are no quick pins in trampoline wrestling. In fact, the match isn’t even viable unless there are two ‘reverse’ moves per fighter. A match with an instant pin has no drama in what is supposed to a battle of wills, biceps and heart.
  3. Battle must be multi-level. Naturally, every trampoline wrestler does floor work. You gotta’ pin those shoulders down after all, right? But the best matches are a nice combination of rolling around and flying high. I suggest starting with the air game first – getting as high as you can before attacking each other with a series of slaps, karate kicks and guttural screams.
  4. Smack talk. In addition to the narration, fighters must engage is hushed threats when they are in close quarters. A sinister, “Now is when you die” or “I must break you” takes the drama to a whole new level that all of the fans don’t even hear.
  5. Surprise Ending. The most common surprise ending is the after-match attack. The loser lays on the trampoline as the winner prances around the ring. Loser beckons the winning fighter over and extends his hand, inviting the winner to help the loser back to his feet. Once contact is made, the loser engages in a last-ditch, no holds barred, non-regulation attempt to rip off his opponents head. WARNING: Loser is expected to lose this unsanctioned battle as well.
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